Gun attitudes may lead to 'clean-up in aisle two'

To the editor:

Shop till you drop takes on a whole different dimension when you're shopping with Mike Bradbury.

Here's the scenario: Mike is in Albertson's, heading down aisle three toward, of course, the red meat counter.

He hears voices raised in aisle two, cereal and school supplies. With a hand on the weapon that remains holstered except for the Sake of Justice, he rounds the corner of the aisle to see a teenager (possibly communist) confronting what appears to be a Second Amendment-respecting grandmother over the last box of Fruit Loops.

While the grandmother reaches into her purse for her gun, the teenager turns to face Mike, holding the box of cereal in a threatening manner. Mike draws and fires, twice, just to be sure. (Questions are for cops.) The teenager drops -- and possibly the grandmother, too (either from an errant shot or that pesky heart condition). In any case, there are Fruit Loops everywhere.

Responding instinctively to a clean-up in aisle two, an Albertson's employee pulls up short at the end of the aisle with a mop in his hand. Mike, seeing an individual in a uniform, concludes he is an agent of Big Government. He levels his gun at the mopwielding agent (who leans left to duck -- yes, left -- confirming Mike's assumption that he's liberal, at the very least).

The mops-man calls for back-up. More Albertson's employees in uniform descend on the cornered Mike Bradbury (and those two bodies lying in puddles of Fruit Loops).

Realizing he has, at last, stumbled into the vipers' nest of The Conspiracy, Mike blasts his way through two clerks, an assistant manager, and a crossing guard. Tough luck there --she was wearing one of those yellow vests and happened to walk in at the wrong time.

Mike holsters the Equalizer and, now in a hurry, grabs some hamburger (which reminds him of that hill in Nam), and heads to the express lane. He just leaves some money on the counter since the clerk is lying over by aisle two. Yes, he's a bit worn, but he knows he's left America a little better place.

Granted, there is still a clean-up in aisle two.

Thanks for the laughs, Mike.

-- Jim Bird