Remembrances and our own Mortality

I have been to two funerals this summer, and they both have really given me pause to really consider Life. Life. We all have a life. Are we living them to the fullest? We've all heard that we should live today like it's the last day we'll have. To really make a difference. While listening to different stories at both of these funerals, my thoughts really went back in time....and forward into the future. These two funerals were both for two wonderful people that really REALLY made a difference in many lives. Of course, I believe everyone does make a difference.

The first one this summer, I attended with two of my best friends. I'm not gonna name names, but if they read this, they'll know who they are. Both of these friends have made changes in my life and helped me thru some times I'd have had a hard time with alone. I still had a hard time, even with their support, but the support gave me more strength than I would otherwise have felt. Both in different ways...but both appreciated much the same. The funeral we attended together, was for the husband of another one of our friends. That man, who I'm sure many of you knew, was very well known in our local community for many different reasons. He was a Law Enforcement Officer. He took that job to Heart. Many people stood up to offer a story about him. I applaud those friends who can do that. I'm quite sure I'd never be able to squeeze any articulate words out of my mouth in a time like that. And it's obviously hard, that is very apparent. But the more people that do that, shows the impact that a person had on the lives around them. That leaves behind a Legacy to be remembered. I could have stood up and told the story of when he actually pulled me over...and seeing who it was, I believe there was a bit of an eye roll. I'm not gonna give the results of that event, but I was pleased with his handling of my crime. My friends and I sat and listened to the stories, happy to know in our hearts that he left behind a woman who had no doubt of his love for her, and had never been afraid to show it. He left two boys who had a great example of how to be a man who could balance his own enjoyments, with keeping a family intact. He had a strength that was not to be doubted mixed with a gentleness of spirit. I've no doubt his boys were watching and will make him proud as they raise families of their own.

This blog was started in my head back then, over a month ago.

Today, the funeral was for the daughter of another good friend of mine. This is an ache that a parent should never have an inkling about. I myself know the agony of losing a child. From that moment on, we are changed forever ..... only we can say how we follow up on this change. You know, you/we all say we'll stay in touch after school. And we mean it. It doesn't happen as we think it will, and that's not a bad thing. We grow and mature ...make our lives ...sometimes at what seems like a roller coaster ride, all ups and downs and rewinds, and climbs, dropping off into space. We do not know what's coming. It's a darn good thing much of the time, that we don't know what comes in our futures. There are events that we couldn't face, if in fact we knew. But when they come, somehow we muddle thru. Though I meant to stay in touch with all my friends, like many young girls do, of course I didn't. But there is this handful of friends that I did. Those are the Diamonds and Pearls in my life. We've all come and gone thru one another's lives, in and out. But we remain together in spirit. Those that I sat with at the Officer's memorial, others that were with us in spirit, and the friend I support today. I've added kindred spirits to my list of friends as time has gone on. This group of women are all different, some of them don't know each other well, or even at all. But they are a core group to me, that I know will always be there, no matter what. There've been many times already, that we've stood together and ached, bending under the pressure of the hurt. But OH the Joys and Triumphs we've also shared. We've watched us all raise children. Watched as those children grew up and had knocks and bangs in their little lives, trips to the Emergency Rooms, while becoming strong individuals themselves. We've attended Births, Weddings, Play Days, Vacation Bible Schools, Pool Parties, Birthday Parties, Grandchildren's Births, More Weddings, High School Graduations, College Graduations, Rodeos, Anniversary Parties, The list goes on and on. I'm happy to say that I don't see an end in sight. Our children are mostly all married, and have made us Grandmas now. I hope to see so much more!

What I hope to never see again, and I add my prayers to my what my friend said today "I pray to God that none of you go thru this", is the loss of one of those precious children. I watched my parents lose a daughter, and I know that no matter the age or the wisdom and maturity we achieve, that pain is more than a person can handle. But live thru it is what must be done. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child, and I wonder how they do it?Then, I know that there is no choice. Live thru it we must. I sit here typing this not long after this service I attended today, and my Heart is broken for my friend.

I'm going to go somewhat out on a limb today. Normally, I wouldn't say the reason for this funeral today, but the family feels strongly about helping others to NOT have to go thru this. This young woman was tormented by 'demons' for many years. There just wasn't enough help for her in this life. I'm saddened to say, that she took her own life. I hate that I have to type those words, but if acknowledging this can help someone else, then that's what my goal is. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out. She laughed easily and loved just as quickly. Her Mom said that possibly her greatest fault, was that she did love so easily and on top of that naively. That shouldn't be a fault! In this day and age, there are those out there that will be looking for someone to take advantage of, and they did seem to gravitate towards this ever innocent young woman. She was often hurt, but never jaded. She just continued to love. But each hurt was deep, and it just got to a point that she didn't feel she could take it any more. There were many people that stood to talk about her happiness and the fun that always surrounded her. So many memories will keep her living in their hearts. I'm extremely proud of the family for putting together a 'celebration' of her life, as she would have liked to be part of. There were tears, but there was also choked laughter, and I believe there is so much more of this to come. The following days/weeks/months and yes, even years, will not be easy. She lived and dreamt of having a husband and children. She will never have a grandchild for my friend, to look up and say "Please, Grandma......?" I've had much Joy in my life, to balance out the sorrows as best they can. If you know me at all, you know it's the children that are my life line. In these later years of my life, I have my children, and their children. My friends' children and their grandchildren. It's kind of all one and the same. We are a very large and extended family. I know I can call on them, to come and help me, (and they often come without being called) at a moment's notice. I can't thank them enough for what they are to me.

One thought, that is what prompted me to write this blog, is "Are we, am I, making enough of a difference? Can I/Should I do more?" If there was a service for me tomorrow, have I done enough? Have I left a mark on this life I live in? Mortality is a natural thought to have during a funeral. And it's a worthy thought. I can't help thinking, that maybe I could have reached out more to this young woman, who decided she just couldn't go on. I'm gonna bet that not one single person who knew her, hasn't had that very thought. It's not a 'poor me' thought, it's worthy of much deep soul searching. Could I have done more? You bet I could have. And that's just the hard cold truth of the matter, and it's a frightening reality. My life revolves around children. I believe most of them have great lives, and I truly do try to make it just as much better as I can. I'm gonna try harder. But I'm also going to take a look at the eyes of their parents, and the parents' parents. I work with a couple young girls in riding lessons, and learned just a few days ago, that their Mom lost her husband just a few years ago. She always seems so happy, but what heartache is she holding in? I myself have my own demons that I'm dealing with, and most have no clue. I'm nothing out the ordinary, so I'm gonna bet that everyone has their cross to bear in order to proceed in their life.

I hope that anyone who has lost someone, and we all have, can take a look around them, and really see the loved ones nearby. What are they struggling with? Are they being successful at holding back the grief that at times tries to overwhelm them? Even if they are, or seem to be, I bet a helping hand would not be a bad idea. Even if they outwardly pushed it away, internally, the heart would know that someone cares enough to reach out.

This young woman loved horses, and all animals really. In the service, we learned that her saddle is being given to a therapeutic riding program, and her car will be given to a family that is in real need. Her Legacy will go on in so many more ways than just this.

In the memorial pamphlet, was this

Do more than belong.....Participate

Do more than care...HELP

Do more than Believe....Practice

Do more than be Fair...Be Kind

Do more than forgive...Forget

If you ever feel alone and in despair please honor her and call the

Suicide Hotline

800-273-8255