Almost 65 and retired. Raised by an East Coast liberal. I am also a child of the sixties.

Journeys in life

Posted Saturday, October 8, 2011, at 1:35 PM

As most of you who have read my bio, I'm raising my 16 year old grandson. It has been both a blessing and a terrifying chore. The" how" of it came to be is a long and very sad story. His Mother, my Daughter, has inflicted a great deal of pain on everyone involved. Now it seems my grandson will be moving to California to be with his Mother. She is on probation there as well as here in Idaho. She can't leave California for almost 3 more years, has almost no income due to the amount of restitution she owes, and now is being pursued by Idaho for child support, (which is the small check we get each month to help cover expenses) plus the cost of his Medicaid. The state is threatening to violate her probation over this and her answer is to drag him from a home he has come to love. A home where he has become both physically healthy and emotionally and mentally healthy as well. He would move in with her and her high school girlfriend and her 2 kids in a small 2 bedroom apartment in San Jose Ca. A place I have sworn never to go back to. I have come to view him as more of a son than grandson, and because of this, the distress I'm feeling as well as the sadness is almost overwhelming. The combination of my Mothers health and impending death coupled with the loss of my grandson feels like my life is coming apart at the seams. You folks also know I'm a recovering alcoholic, 18 months sober and still working on it. When this part of my journey in life (raising my grandson) started, I felt that the reason I became sober was because I would be needed for some reason. Two months later my grandson came back into my new life. Four months later, his Mother was in jail, and the job of raising him was given to me and my wife. We not only had to deal with his drug use, but the fact he was an untreated bi-polar. We ended up having him committed to Inter Mountain Hospital, where, thank God, they were able to find the right combination of meds, and started him on therapy. I've said before that these blogs are sort of my therapy, my sanctuary. I have always known he would grow up and leave home to start his own life, but I never thought this would happen. My daughter hasn't talked to me about this, just her Mother. The last time she broached the subject with me and I made my feelings known, she called me a selfish uncaring person who would let her go to jail, rather than let my grandson move to California. You know what? I AM! Why should Christian pay a price for his Mothers transgressions? Legally I can't stop her unless I go to court and start a battle that should never be fought, and I'm not going to put Christian in the position of having to choose between me and her in a court of law. Now, if at the last minute, he decides not to get on that plane and wants to stay, she would have better odds of dealing with a wounded grizzly than dealing with me in that situation.

Thanks for listening and having a place to post my thoughts and feelings.

Roy

Comments

View 12 comments

Note: The nature of the Internet makes it impractical for our staff to review every comment. Please note that those who post comments on this website may do so using a screen name, which may or may not reflect a website user's actual name. Readers should be careful not to assign comments to real people who may have names similar to screen names. Refrain from obscenity in your comments, and to keep discussions civil, don't say anything in a way your grandmother would be ashamed to read.

His Mother has done the guilt thing on him. You know the drill, "If you don't come, I'll end up in jail."

I didn't say it before, but she is a twice convicted felon. Grand theft.

-- Posted by royincaldwell on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 4:55 PM
We have a 6 month temporary guardianship that has expired. Like I said, I really don't want to go to court and put Christian through that whole mess. If he changes his mind and decides to stay and she raises a stink, you can bet I'll be in court then.

-- Posted by royincaldwell on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 5:18 PM
You should look into getting welfare to do a home visit there before he goes back to his Mom.

Does she have a bed for him? and can she afford to support him?

-- Posted by MsMarylin on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 5:50 PM
At this point, he'll be sleeping on the floor, and she get him on SSI to get the money. He does qualify, but doesn't want to file for it until he's 18. It would be for his meds only.

-- Posted by royincaldwell on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 5:54 PM
It could be harder now days to get SSI or it could take longer........ I feel for you Roy and I hope he stays on his meds........

-- Posted by MsMarylin on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 6:09 PM
The real problem is that California is overwhelmed and understaffed. Plus you would not believe what they consider acceptable living conditions. His qualifying for SSI is no problem due to his congenital eye defect that makes reading and eye-hand coordination almost impossible. He knows that he can always come "home" and I'll always find the money for the plane ticket.

-- Posted by royincaldwell on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 7:05 PM
Roy:

My daughter is mentally ill and we have had so many things happen in the past 11 years. It is very hard, I know.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

-- Posted by KH Gal on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 8:02 PM
Thank you Bonnie.

-- Posted by royincaldwell on Sat, Oct 8, 2011, at 8:28 PM
I think that Christian knowing that he can come home is the best thing that you can do for him. He may be back sooner than you think.

S. S. Tabor

-- Posted by History_Nerd on Sun, Oct 9, 2011, at 9:31 AM
We raised our Grandson from the time he was 10 months old...... He never knew his Mother. She walked out of his life.... I was struggling with Lupus then but I found away to take care of him.

Years went by and when he was 17 years old, she popped back up. All those years she had been living in Horseshoe Bend, remarried and had another child.... She wined and dined my Grandson, caused a lot of grieve for me, and she won out, he dropped out of school to go live with her in horseshoe bend.

I did a lot of crying during the time he was gone and less then a year he was back living with us again. He found out what his Mother was like and came back.

I even went so far as calling a lawyer because of wanting him back so badly and he told me he has seen it time and time again where a child goes back to Mom. He told me they don't usually work out and to sit back and wait that he will be back and he came back.

-- Posted by MsMarylin on Sun, Oct 9, 2011, at 9:47 AM
ONE DAY AT A TIME..........ONE DAY AT A TIME.....I HEAR YOU !!!!!!!!!! CALL IF YOU NEED TO...........CALL JUST TO CALL......I AM HERE

-- Posted by lamont on Sun, Oct 9, 2011, at 3:41 PM
Go to court!!!!!!! The greatest thing you can do for your grandson is to be the person who stands up and takes the heat for KEEPING HIM SAFE. I was the only person that dared to stand up against my sister. No one else in my family wanted to deal with my sister, they in turned let her be abused, to avoid the hassle. I was 2,000 miles away when I found out, I felt helpless until I went to the lawyer and found out I could SAVE her. How is she now, married to a wonderful guy, had a beautiful daughter (my granddaughter) and attends college. Its not always a perfect ending but it never will be unless there is a beginning. You have already began to show him what it is to have caring parents, finish the job and keep him safe.

-- Posted by workingbee on Sun, Oct 9, 2011, at 8:08 PM

Respond to this blog

Posting a comment requires free registration:

If you already have an account, follow this link to login
Otherwise, follow this link to register