The Millionaire Matchmaker is the best show on television*

This guy was an actual contestant. And now a convict. He needed more help than just in the dating arena.

I caught a few minutes of The Bachelorette earlier this week. Today I got sucked into another reality dating show, "The Millionaire Matchmaker." Millionaire Matchmaker just might be the greatest show ever. Seriously. Like ever. It's got that great "can't-stop-watching-because-this-show-is-such-a-train-wreck" quality to it.

Briefly stated, the premise of the show is Patti Stanger, of Millionaire's Club International Inc., matches up millionaires with women who want to marry millionaires. Actually, that's the entirety of the show's premise.

Patti claims she has a 99 percent success rate. How can any of these relationships work? The guys go to her saying, "I'm rich and I need arm candy. I only want to meet hot girls." And the women go to her and say, "I want to marry a millionaire. Can you hook me up?"

Apparently, enough of her clients are shallow rich guys and shallow not-rich girls to make her successful 99 percent of the time. Or maybe she made that number up.

Most of the men on the show, based off the 1.5 episodes I watched today, don't need a matchmaker. They need someone to tell them not to act like a rich jerk head. Or to get a new haircut. Or new clothes. But mostly, they don't need dates, they need to be kept away from society until they can figure out how to act like a normal person. Or at least treat women they are interested in with a little bit of respect. Then maybe they wouldn't need help getting their own dates. If you're in your young 30s, have lots of money and have to pay someone to find you dates, chances are you're probably doing something wrong.

(If Taylor Swift had a song called, "Maybe I'm the problem," I'd link to it here.)

One guy hired Patti because he didn't like the girl his family picked out for him. He responded by bringing his entire family with him to meet potential matches.

Another flew a girl to the Dodger's stadium, where they had a picnic in the empty stadium on the third base foul line wall. He was pretty excited about hanging out in the stadium's "Box seats." Guys who take girls to baseball stadiums and don't understand where the box seats are located are faking it.

One guy wanted Patti to hook him up with a girl that looks like Heidi Klum, but not post-pregnancy Heidi klum. How many of you are surprised that he's never had a relationship longer than a few weeks?

Another guy, who was actually on one of the episodes I watched today, pled guilty last year for bank fraud and other charges.

The dates mostly consist of the millionaire flying a hottie someplace to demonstrate how rich they are while the hotties put up with guys doing things they would never tolerate from a guy without money.

One guy flew a girl to his mason and gave her a tour, before they hit golf balls in his backyard. While they were golfing, the guy decided to use the bathroom. About 10 feet away from where his date was standing. Behind some bushes. On the first date.

The girl was like, "I'm not going to let it ruin the day." $400 million erases a lot of deal breakers. They followed their golf outing with jet skiing, where he demonstrated his ability to spray people with the jet ski's stream. $400 million doesn't erase all deal breakers.

*I should probably point out that I don't watch much television. I have no way of knowing if this is true or not. But I'm going to guess with the amount of inappropriate racail/sexuality/religious/other stereotypical comments Patti Stanger gets away making that no one else is watching this show.