My 2007 "interview" with Lance Armstrong

In honor of Lance Armstrong's decision to unretire, I dug though my arrives to find this "interview" with him (XXXX means I had to censor).

My early fearless prediction on Lance's comeback: He's going to win, or at least serious contend, in the 2009 Tour de France or he won't ride. Lance is extremely competitive and if he doesn't think he has a shot at winning, he won't ride. He'll go back into retirement. For Lance, it's all or nothing. Sure, he's riding for free to increase global awareness for cancer, but he's not looking to do it as a side show. He'll either get back into his Tour-winning form and contend, or he'll come up with a reason not to ride. With Lance, the fight against cancer is personal. I wouldn't expect him to let down his cause, his fans, cancer survivors and those currently fighting cancer by not being at the top of his game when the race starts. Lance inspired many cancer survivors and victims as he dominated the Tour with his desire and intensity. While he may be out of shape and older, he'll think of all those people who've found inspiration in him and find inspiration in them should he need it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Interview with Lance Armstrong

The Tour de France is currently underway and I recently sat down with Tour legend Lance Armstrong. Here's how my interview went:

So, Lance Armstrong--

just call me Lance, please--

Yes, sir. So, with the Tour de France going on, how are you spending your time?

What? It's Tour time? XXXX, I forgot all about it. It's just that I'm pretty busy nowadays and you never see anything about it on ESPN or ABC Sports or anything. I don't know why that is, my mom said she used to see me all the time on TV when I was winning.

I think it's because you're not riding this year and an American isn't likely to win. How come you didn't defend your title this year, you know, try to win your ninth Tour?

Robert, man, I only won seven of them. I retired two years ago. I didn't race last year.

Oh, than who won last year?

Floyd Landis, an American too.

So he's going to win it again this year? I love how American riders have made the Tour de France our XXXXX. Maybe next time they'll think twice about not going to war with us.

Um, he's not racing either this year.

Why not? How are we going to win if he's not racing?!?

He agreed to sit this one out until the doping allegations from last year's race is cleared up. He's getting screwed. "I think conventional wisdom is that he will lose his arbitration hearing, because USADA has never lost a case. The arbitrators don't ever rule for the athletes. Quite frankly, the system is set up against the athletes. Unfortunately for him, I don't think he did it. That's always been my position and still is today."

So you don't think he did it?

That's correct, I don't think he's guilty.

Have you told anyone? You're Lance Armstong! You're a pretty big deal, they'd listen to you, wouldn't they?

That's not how it works. Like I said, theses guys never lose.

That doesn't sound very fair. Saddam never lost a court case either. Do these guys know who you are?!? You're Lance Armstrong!

I know. Of course he's innocent. He only failed the drug test and came up hot for synthetic testosterone because he had some shots of Jack Daniel's the night before the stage.

Did you ever drink Jack Daniel's before a race? Landis made up almost eight minutes on one race. That's pretty good, everybody should drink some JD before a race, you won seven times, have you ever used JD for an added boost?

I can't say I've used JD to help me perform faster in a race.

I believe him, last semester, I got drunk off of JD the night before a final paper was due. I woke up and wrote a good paper, my teacher gave me an A. It was pretty cool, I felt like XXXX though, I had to drive to the library because I could barely function. Most of the time, I ride my bike to campus, I couldn't imagine riding feeling like that. Landis must be one tough son-of-a-gun.

Yeah, I don't think he got drunk the night before, just had a few shots.

I see, I'll try to remember that sometime. Hey, we both have the same bracelets on (the yellow Livestrong ones). That's pretty cool. Hey, will you autograph mine?

How about you just take this one instead (he took of his bracelet and handed it to me)? I have like a 1,000 of these back home. I have a full drawer of them. Nike sends them to me by the case. These things started off as a way to raise awareness and funds for cancer and they've really took off. Everyone wears them now, they have all sorts of colors and sayings. My friend told me about this site you can custom order your own, that sounds pretty sweet, I'd do that, but you know, Nike did it for me. Not only did I start a trend, which ranks right up there with winning seven Tours and dating Sheryl Crow on the coolness scale, but I'm also helping China's economy. Look on the inside, see how it says "MADE IN CHINA"? Thanks to me, hundreds of young kids now have jobs in China making these bracelets. I know, I rock!

You sure do, thank you for your time.