How to (not) pick up a girl.

"I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?"

I'm probably the last person who should be handing out relationship advice. I take that back, Courtney Love is the last person who should be giving relationship advice.

Anyways, I talk to a lot of people and hear a lot of stories, and every once in a while, I hear stories from or about people who shouldn't be allowed to breed.

It's ridiculous you have to have a license to do just about everything nowadays from driving, to getting married, to fishing, but for some reason, you don't have to have a license to have kids. Raising children has to be one of the most important jobs a person will ever have and there isn't anyone out there making sure it's done right. You have to sit though driver's education to be able to drive a car, but to have a kid, you just have to know someone who is willing to take their pants off with you.

And there's nothing that says you have to know them or take your pants off and unfortunately, willingness isn't always a requirement.

I ran into an old friend on cyberspace the other day and we were getting caught up over facebook messenger. She told me she'd been dating a guy for seven months and I asked how they met.

She said they had met after he sent her a message on myspace. They talked back and forth and "discovered" they went to the same church. They met the next week after church and have been together ever since. I'm not a betting man (and even if I was, I'd still use the expression) but I'm willing to bet that her boyfriend knew what church she went to before he sent her a message.

I'm OK with facebook/myspace stalking. I'm willing to admit that if you're in my age group and we've met anytime in the last two and a half years, there's a good chance I've either facebook stalked you or attempted to.

Myspace, in this example, was a good ice breaker and not the creepy trying to pick up on a 12-year old kind of ice breaker. So it's Mr. Shy used it to pick up his girlfriend of seven months.

However, the fun part of this story starts when I shared this story with another friend. She said it sounded like a guy she knew at work who got a myspace page for the sole purpose of picking up a lady who had just moved down the street.

It turns out, that was his Plan B. Plan A was to kidnap her dog for a few days then play the hero when he returned the "found" dog a few days later.

This guy's retarded. And has seen one too many movies. If that's your plan to pick up a girl, you should:

a) not be allowed to talk to any girls.

b) not allowed to know any girls.

c) not allowed to ever date any girls

d) not allowed to ever, ever have kids

and

e) not allowed to breath.

If this is your plan for picking up girls, please do the female gender a favor and shoot yourself. But pick someplace that won't leave a mess. Like a river.